Why I don’t want to spend too much time on Facebook

I have more than five hundred friends on fb and many of you may have as many as five thousand. But I don’t personally know more than a hundred of my ‘friends’. Do you know all your ‘friends’?

When I scroll down fb, I come across innumerable stories. If they are some news links, I sometimes tend to read them. Most of the posts are personal opinions, comments and jokes. Sometimes I catch them. Most of the times I don’t. I have started feeling little uncomfortable with fb of late, but I am not still convinced to quit it.

I face two kinds of difficulties. One is to do with the flurry of news items I am bombarded with. Neither do I send to nor receive friend ‘requests’ from someone whom I don’t find having some similarities in views. Think of the phrase itself, ‘friend request’. Do we befriend someone in our acquaintances by requesting them. It naturally happens, no? Maybe, that naturalness is mechanized in fb. This is a world you can be a potential friend of anyone. How easy it is!  Coming back to what I was saying, since my friends are such, the news items I come across in fb are mostly of darker shades. Someone was lynched in this part of the country; somebody was raped in the other part of the country; someone else was wrongfully jailed for years on end. I have to read such news items every time I open fb. And I feel angry and sad that this is the state of affairs in my country. Not just that, I feel I become constantly agitated against this predicament. Ssho, I don’t want that.

The second issue is about the posts I come across my friends on my wall. They rage and rail against the plight of this country. Not just that, they have an opinion on most of the things that matter. They sometimes talk about the dubious statements of some political leaders; other times, they reflect on Hindutva is ghettoising Muslims and Dalits; still other times, they comment on the alleged involvement of an actor in an abduction and molestation case. Basically, most of them have opinions on everything. I fail to make opinions on everything here and I don’t want to. So, sometimes I am even at my wit’s end to make sense of what others are talking about. They just write two sentences on something that I don’t have any idea about and amass likes and reactions. They don’t even explain what they are referring to. Just to let them know that I am also a friend of them, I push the ‘like’  button or send out ‘love’.

Do we have ‘real real’ friends on fb? Some of us may have, and I myself have benefited from being fb friends. But the kind of toll the I have to take just to remain friends is too much.

The only state of mind I can harbor on fb is of a frustrated citizen of India. Could it be that nothing good happens in this country? Or, is it that I am surrounded with citizens who are conscientious of the future of this country and worried about it? Latter, the batter!

You may say I can quit fb then. But then where will I share this post other than in fb and twitter? That is why I am still here.

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When I met Dostoyevsky

I have wandered the streets, nooks and corners and alleys of Saint Petersburg with Raskolnikov. I have felt tremors and numbness in my legs when I had to accompany him to the old-lady’s room. I have often got entangled in the arguments of Mitya, Vanya and Alyosha and lost in thoughts. But how I met Dostoyevsky himself is rather a pleasant memory of my undergraduate days.  

You may all have stories of how you found your own much-loved writers. My story took its beginning when I was an undergraduate student of English literature.

If my memory serves right, I started reading literary texts when I was in eighth standard. I was fortunate to have a friend who was six years elder to me at that time. He was instrumental in orienting my readings into thicker, longer versions of the stories I unearthed in the little magazines. 

Both of us were huge book-lovers and have gone to various libraries on foot, trekking for miles, walking on the mud-parapets, crossing the paddy fields. He prompted me to read  books like Asuravitth, Ummaacchu, Sundharikalum Sundharanmaarum. 

The memories of going to various libraries are etched in my mind. This particular library where I met Dostoevsky was in a sorry state. It was not actually a library, but one displaced to a stitching institute owing to lack of funds. It did not have a regular staff and most of the times it remained closed. One lady was entrusted to look after it, but she hardly turned up. Many authors, from Dickens to Thomas Hardy to Vaikom Muhammed Basheer enjoyed the rhythm of scissors, that too from the hands of adorable damsels. Basheer would have written secret letters to them, for sure. He would have been the most sensitive to be intoxicated by the scents of oil and talcum powder filling the room.

There were two, three big shelves of books in no order. It was a library which lost its glory and the authors in the shelves felt claustrophobic. The occasional, lucky readers sometimes gave these authors an outing. It was in such chaos that I met Dostoyevsky in ‘Choothaattakkaaran’ (The Gambler). He was a big gambler himself who gave everything to the game.

when I reached home and started reading the book, I was overcome by an unprecedented emotional turmoil. I used to be an avid reader then, who would not care for anything including food. I could just lie down in my bed and read for hours together. Now, such marathon readings seem unachievable, maybe you enjoy the book differently when you are older.

Once I finished the novel, I could not control my emotions. I was literally jumping in my room out of psychic explosion. When I felt that I would be unable to contain my feelings, I dressed myself and ran to the public telephone booth. I had a mobile phone then. Maybe there was no balance, I am not sure. I called up one of my graduation friends who was as crazy as me over books. 

We had this strange habit of calling each other in the middle of reading, if we are overwhelmed by certain passages. Mostly, I used to call him. Then, I would read out the passages that touched me. Then, we would discuss n-number of things about the book each of us has been reading. We were lovers through books. 

I do not exactly remember what all I talked to him about The Gambler. But I am sure I spilled my beans for more than half an hour and he patiently listened to all my outpourings. I would have told him how much I felt like pulling Dostoyevsky from the gambling table, just to put some sense into his ears. Or, how much I enjoyed being at the table with him, as agitated as he was! Or, I would have joined in his cursing his luck at one moment, and the instant consolation that being part of the game is more important, not winning. I would have felt pity for his sufferings and envied his resilience in hardships.

I have been hooked on to him then, once and for all.  

Longing

Ask me, where I should come, in this moonlit night,

I have lost fear of the night and wolves, and reptiles.

Tell me, what I should bring for you, in our rendezvous,

I have forgotten weight of the things, of earth and the sky.

 

Allow me to take your hand now, and kiss on the fingers with love.

Be kind to dart a loving glance at me, I am a devotee to you.

I have brought flowers, incense sticks, with a supplicating hand.

Give me a darshan, let flowers bloom in my heart as in Spring.

 

Take me to your world, the land of mysteries and magic.

Show me the wonders, of the unseen, like a torchbearer.

Tell me the stories of yourself, and your dreams and sorrows.

Hug me, and invite me into yourself and to your world.

 

All that is enough for a life in this world, as ephemeral as it is,

Death would not be more beautiful as it is now, period.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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